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Cameron’s hope for the future: I want your children to work for mine
A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest. While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring...
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Outrage as European Court halts 407th burning of Catholic terrorist
The UK’s ability to effectively deal with terrorists was dealt another blow after the European Court of Justice ruled that it was unconstitutional and basically bad form to burn Guy Fawkes for the...
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UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians
I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas...
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Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’
Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences. The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by...
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UK police to provide water cannon “get clean while-u-riot” service
Over here! Stubborn stain under the arm! Chief constables are to press home secretary Theresa May to authorise the use of a powerful new water cannon after London mayor Boris Johnson raised serious...
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Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show
A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy. Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that...
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Crime commissioner: 10% turn out ‘a vote of confidence’ says Theresa May
‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’ Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election. “Brilliant news....
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“Why won’t you panic?” Government raises threat level to Eeeep!
The average UK fear level Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a...
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Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail
Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…” New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and...
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Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation
Our betters Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political...
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60 deaths from legal highs in 2013 “may not include alcohol & tobacco”
“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.” Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report. Home...
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Theresa May’s organising of a piss up in a brewery enters its fourth year.
Theresa May’s attempts to organise a piss up in a brewery has entered its four year, but still looks some way off actually happening. The piss up was supposed to celebrate her party’s election success...
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Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office
Norma Jean Baker in happier times Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team...
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British jihadis returning to UK to be sent straight to the Big Brother house
Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay? The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most...
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Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky...
Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigaretteSenior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself,...
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Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for...
Start ’em young Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the...
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For sale: Water cannon. Genuine reason for sale
For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket For sale, any reasonable offer considered. Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out...
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Police should follow Cameron’s example of appointing me as Britain’s first...
Britain’s first black Home Secretary Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’. Mrs May went...
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Theresa May unveils plans to personally come and tut at you if you view porn...
You disgust me New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online. The Home Secretary has unveiled the...
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Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’
“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types” The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’. “Ugly kids bring more...
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